It is with great pleasure that The Dilettante presents the whimsical, witty and wise Professor Elemental as our resident Agony Uncle. The chap-hop maestro not only has a plethora of amusing lyrical tales under his hat, but he is also a sound source of guidance when life gets tricky. Here is some of his sage advice to readers' problems, which appeared in issue one of The Dilettante magazine in December 2021, plus a few of our favourite tracks by the Professor.
Are you wading through treacle? Getting your knickers in a twist? Has someone got your dander up? Why don’t you take a seat, grab a complimentary custard cream and tell me all about it. ...Yes, I might leave things worse than they were before. And no, I’m not terribly interested in the consequences of dishing out potentially awful advice to strangers, but that’s what makes it so fun. I’ll do what I can to help. And if I can’t help, then maybe we’ll just have a jolly good giggle together. Yours sincerely etc, etc, and so forth,
Found yourself in a pickle? Send us your quandaries, dilemmas and disputes and we'll pass them on for the Professor to solve in a future issue.
We have all changed after the plights of the past year, but personally, to my horror ,I seem to have re-emerged in the form of a grown up. I spend much of my free time making encouraging comments to my potato plants, I’ve started entering competitions in the Puzzler, and I even accidentally bought a pair of crocs one wild evening in the middle aisle of Aldi. I know my Bright Young Thing is still in there somewhere, but I fear it is too late. How can I remedy this? Is there any hope for me?
Yours, an unwilling potato twitcher.
Never fear! Old age comes to us all. Well except me of course, thanks to that painting I keep in the attic. If you are without a mystical painting however, you might find yourself rather upset at the onset of wrinkles and forehead lines that make the top of your head look like a badly ploughed field. I bring good news from the front however, you are now old enough to stop caring what other people think of you! Even better, you are practically invisible to all but other elderlies, meaning you can do WHATEVER YOU WANT. Why not take up a new hobby like starting food fights with strangers in motorway services, swearing at teenagers or shoplifting. You’ll be amazed at what you can get away with if you really put your mind to it. Free yourself from self doubt and lean into being old, just be careful not to put your back out while you do it. There’s no excuse for crocs though. Burn them by fire immediately.
'Wages of Gin' by Professor Elemental
Having recently left a long-term relationship and quit my job, I’ve decided it’s time to reinvent myself. I began by burning my personal effects in the garden, which, to the disgruntlement of my neighbours, inevitably led to a night of naked dancing around the bonfire of my previous life. Now I can start from scratch, I have been toying with becoming a full time surrealist. I’ve invested in several pet lobsters and am now proudly sporting a tremendous moustache, but the world is still appearing quite normal and I am struggling to find my tribe. Do you have any advice on how to meet like-minded folk with a passion for the strange side of life?
Yours, a wannabe escapist.
Dear Escapist, After some considerable exploration, I have cornered the 5 best subcultures to aid your new life: 1. Steampunk: Friendly nerds who dress in Science fiction and Victorian outfits and drink a lot. 2. Fleapunk: Friendly entomophiles who dress as insects and drink a lot. Surprisingly erotic, but I appreciate my tastes are quite niche. 3. Treepunk: Friendly dendrophiles who dress as trees and go to parks to blend in. Can be a little on the quiet side. 4. Cheesepunk: Friendly cheesemongers and their fans who gather for Cheesecon each year. Very delicious, but quite smelly. 5. Sneezepunk: Just people with really bad allergies. Actually I’d avoid this one. Awful. Please do get in touch if you need details of such local meetings. Good Luck!
'Jumble Sale' by Professor Elemental
During lockdown I commissioned an artist to paint a life-size portrait of myself, which I have now placed over my mantelpiece. I think it’s absolutely gorgeous and would like to collect more such portraits, but my housemate says it makes them uncomfortable and has accused me of delusions of grandeur. Am I misguided and edging towards narcissism or should I continue to celebrate my beautiful face with more work?
Yours, a (fabulously modest) patron of the arts.
Dear Fabulous, What is wrong with people these days? If a person can’t hang a life sized portrait of ones own naked face and body in ones own living room, then what is the point of even having a living room. The problem is you haven’t gone far enough: try sculpting a life sized model of yourself in butter to place in the kitchen, paint yourself with angel wings on every ceiling and tattoo a picture of your own face on the face of your housemate while they sleep. Surely when they are faced with endless inescapable images of you, your housemate will come around. Or not. Worth a bash anyway.
'I'm British' by Professor Elemental
This article was featured in issue one of The Dilettante magazine. Click here to pick up a copy!
We highly recommend brightening up your day by entering the world of Professor Elemental via his Patreon, YouTube, Facebook or Soundcloud. And don't forget, if you've found yourself in a spot of botheration and need some advice, you can send us your quandaries, dilemmas and disputes and the Professor may be able to be of aid.
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